CLARIFYING DIFFICULTIES DURING THE AYAHUASCA CEREMONY. ESTONIA, FEBRUARY 28TH, 2019
For the second time, during the second ceremony, I feel fear of death. This fear does not begin immediately, just when Ayahuasca begins to take effect, but a little later, during the night. And I still feel it even at night. Even for most of the day, I was mortified, and so I was asking to see if I could take more. Because I'm really scared.
Ruymán: You're afraid to die, you say. Good. Are you sick, do you feel any discomfort? Any problem, some pain?
Ruymán: have the doctors told you there's anything wrong with you?
No, I've had stomach problems, and I'm not yet fully recovered. For example, I have trouble lowering liquids with food. Very slow.
Ruymán: Well, you're not going to die for that reason. Let's see your tongue. Now we check your pulse rate. Good. What happens is that you have a pale tongue, and your pulse rate reveals a state of very weak pressure of vital energy.
I have had a vision about that. In it I felt that I had almost no energy left, as if I was losing my life.
Ruymán: in shamanism is well explained that ayahuasca amplifies reality; It amplifies the real state in which we find ourselves. On the other hand the pulse rate in your heart, the one that is closest to the present moment, shows that you are very restless and nervous.
THE INTENSITY OF LIFE CURRENT INFLUENCE THE PERCEPTION OF TRANCE
At this moment I am very nervous. The fear that I experienced during the ceremony left me in a state of anxiety.
Ruymán: the anxiety and the nervousness -up-, and weakness and the insufficiency, cold and fear -below-, has caused you a state of anguish.
Is it a good idea to take again today?
Ruymán: do you already feel the Ayahuasca effects? I guess so.
Yes, in a very strong way.
Ruymán: Well, today you have to take a smaller dose. And if you want, I can help you with Ayahuasca during the ceremony, enchanting it, to increase the sacred touch. But it would be a gentle enchantment, to generate energy, and not something very strong, so that this state of emptiness and the weakness that scares you will not happen again.
I needed help. A lot. But I didn’t dare to ask for it.
Ruymán: Well, now you know you can do it. It is a pleasure for me. If you want, before a week goes by, after the ceremony or two weeks later, you can contact me, and I can send you a herbs recipe, to tone your vital energy.
Ruymán: don't drink before seeing me.
-I had a headache in the morning, but it stopped during the day.
Ruymán: that happens, first because the "yaji" (leaf that belongs to the Ayahuasca mixture) has a very visionary activity, an activity of liberation of the mind. But that activity highlights the Spirit and nature that emanates from the Spirit and its creation in this world. Possibly you are still not able to let that manifest itself and occur naturally. In that purity without resistance. You probably keep your self active during the night, as if you enjoyed those visions, or, instead of releasing them, as maintaining them from your point of view, playing with them, or squeezing in some way, and then entering a visionary world.
During the Ayahuasca ceremony, we can perceive how we hurt ourselves
That produces fatigue and headaches in the morning. In the morning, when the pain goes away, you manage to relax it, and it goes away. In short, you should relax the neck, relax the eyes, don’t squeeze anything, don’t follow anything out of attachment, and let your spirit shine by itself, to show you nature, to show you that from the crystal of its perfection emanates the sky, the earth, and all life. All creatures. We’ve been educated not to look that way. There is always a self, there is always a resistance, and it takes a monster in the middle, that hurts us. So we have to stop hurting ourselves. In Shamanism the lessons are pretty hard in this aspect.
-During the ceremonies I almost always have this movement that sort of like persist. That's something that's controlling my movements. And I'm getting answers that these are negative entities or something in me, that control me. So, medicine is trying to get these things out of me. And it's doing it. The thing is that I'm trying to understand how many of them I have. And how many ceremonies would take to take them out. Or am I concentrating in these entities and it's impossible to get all them out?
Ruymán: it's true that when we separate our self from Arutam, we use different personalities, with great different beings in our self, shadows, and we provide them apart from our energy, of our life, making real, yes, in our minds, of course. and in our feelings. We use this trick not only with one being but many; this time this, another time that... because it's constantly failing, so we need to cover the mistake with another one. Then, when the other is failing, we use another. And then we go back, and we start from the beginning. It's a kind of inner crazy world inside. Shamanism teaches that the way to get rid of this is not finding each dark spirit, knowing how it's a mad procedure, how it works within. It's not the way.
DARKNESS AND PAIN COME FROM OUR OWN RESISTANCE
The way is to go to the root, the I, the resistance that we create and use in so many excuses, feeding many dark spirits inside of us. And its outfit. If there is no place, if there is not house where they can live, yes, they fade away. Like smoke. But if you still believe in you, in this resistance that you call "you", they have a house, and they have the source of nourishment. During the ceremony, don't be afraid to even forget who you are, or even your name, even where you are, even your memories. Even your conceptions about the future. Because if all of this disappeare, you'll discover that you are the whole existence: the sky, the Earth, the breeze, the seas, the animals.This means healing yourself from the roots. But come on, somehow your doing this work allright, you don't know how, but you're doing it. This is going on. Look at yourself. You're much better than, well, I don't remember perfectly clear your first day drinking Ayahuasca, but it was difficult for you. Listen, you're another man. Some things require time, specially shamanism. That's unavoidable. You're doing pretty well, brother. You have my congratulations.
-Name a couple of things that you consider crucial: the most important thing to consider for someone who takes it for the first time.
Ruymán: did you do the diet?
Not specifically, but, anyway, I almost do not eat meat or dairy. A little garlic maybe, in some meals.
Ruymán: the first thing is the diet. Because if we vomit fast, nothing can be done. Sleep well and rest. Take care of the loss of energy through ejaculation. That would be the first aspect. The second aspect is to remember that everything that happens in an Ayahuasca ceremony is sacred, and has a specific meaning. Everything good and everything bad has a meaning. And that is here to, first of all, transcend its identity and everything that composes it and merges with its strength, with the Spirit from which it was born one day.
-How can I increase willpower without hurting myself? Because I've noticed that when I start doing things by force, I end up hurting myself. How to achieve more willpower and more strength in a smooth way?
Ruymán: well, like everything in life, you speak of will, you talk about life, about the force of life. It is the strength of the will. For example, approaching life through Shamanism, through Natem, through Ayahuasca, and then caring for that communion with Tobacco, is a way to increase life. And, therefore, its strength. Afterwards, we must not allow that life to escape: that force. Be very careful with ejaculation. Fill the life with love and affection.
TOBACCO AND AYAHUASCA STRENGTHEN LIFE
Do everything you do-which makes sense to you-in the few hours you have in the light of day. And make sure it's something you like. If, however, you do not like or have much sense what you do, then, little by little, try to focus on where you want to go. Take a long time to meditate, to inhale Tobacco, take care of the Union with Arutam and, little by little, let yourself be carried away by the Spirit. Close to nature, every day with less and less identity.
-Inside myself, from childhood, I notice that I have as a small character who is always making jokes, who is like bothering me, and it irritates me a lot during the ceremony.
Ruymán: It is one of the identities of the shadow that you usually keep in your solid self. That entity tends to make us judge, criticize, mock, just when we are falling apart. And you must be careful, because one day the self, freeing you from that character, may try to play with you in another way. The cure for that is the same as I've already explained. We must release the resistance until there is no place to house the attachment or some spirit, or point of view. No creation, and no shadow that plays with us and mocks our lives, or the lives of others, or the world.
-And then, more specifically, what should we do? Try to relax as much as you can?
Ruymán: I can not say much more than what I've already said. Resistance is something we have to find and let go. It is a space / time lock. A dark self that closes an eternal flow and imposes certain limits. We have to stop feeding him, we have to stop believing in it. Stop believing in judgments and in everything that we have taken shelter to feed and to keep that point of view sick. It is a practical fact, and Ayahuasca is used for that. That's why sometimes it seems so cruel, so dark, so bloody, so gloomy. Because it is releasing that shadow, showing it, shaking it, showing us its stark reality, its misery, something that we want to justify, with that shadow, with that character, so as not to see it. With Ayahuasca that game does not work. It's a good interference. That's why ayahuasca is so good and important in the Amazonian Shamanism. It helps you to heal you from the roots, from the foundation of all human error, and then,from the original illness.